September 06, 2011

Step into another shoes

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside when everything was going right


There was a time, years ago, when I feel deeply saddened and yet, comforted by these two lines of Michael Buble's 'Home'.


Recent years, more often than less, I get this feeling that... the world has moved on, is moving on, in all its righteousness and timeliness while I am still at the same spot, marching as best as I know, yet not moving an inch. It is as if I have stumbled upon a labyrinth. A long walk with no end in sight, occasionally turning a corner to find a door, going down through that door, which in the end, always lead back to the same start-point. And, everything seems, feels so familiar. So helplessly familiar. So lonely, I found myself when I'm back at the start-point.


So, recently, the tears that come quite easily, especially late at night, are there for this reason. In a way, I like when they do. At least, it seems to say that I still care about what happens to me.


Today, on the bus to session, it suddenly occured to me that it ought to be surprising to myself if I am still alive by the age of 50. Simply because I've yet to be able to see the 50-year-old me. In fact, I am still struggling to see the 40-year-old.

How ironic to be 'stuck' in a limbo state and not be able to plan for my next 20 years when around me, most people are planning for their retirement and their children's tertiary education in 30 years fast-forward. How ironic to be collecting moments when this society places the limelight on milestone.

Perhaps I need to catch up, somewhere... somehow. If only.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:54